Two Paths  One Destiny
by sagey
Summary: Companion fic for There Is Only Now.. Teyla's thoughts during EATG. John/Teyla fanfic


Title...Two Paths..One Destiny

Disclaimer..Dont own any character or show premise or such..They belong to who they belong to.

Summary...Companion piece to There Is Only Now. This is Teyla's point of view set during EATG...This is a John/Teyla fanfic. Only kind I will ever write...

Dedicated to all J/T lovers just like me..Hope you enjoy it...

Two Paths..One Destiny

It was over and I was alone on one of the distant piers and my mind keeps replaying over and over the events of the day.

"When Atlantis shows up tell them I said good-bye."

"John" my heart cried out silently. Then Rodney was talking and it all became very clear. John was going to release a weapon in the heart of this hive. John was going to his death and I didn't have enough time to sort out all my feelings. Feelings that had erupted in his quarters just this morning! John was going to his death and he didn't know how I felt about him. And now I would never be able to tell him or hear from him how he felt. It wasn't fair.

And then Rodney was telling John to not do it and then all of a sudden there was time and maybe that was even scarier then when I thought I did not have time. Then John was there on the hive with us and it was so good to see him, until I remembered what had just transpired. Ronon was dead and again my heart broke to see him staring sightlessly and knowing we had left his body was nearly more then I could bear. How could I tell John? And then he asked for Ronon and I could barely get out a "sorry John." And then of course we went back for his body because John would never willingly leave him amongst his enemies. And finding him alive, things had started to look better and maybe just maybe we would survive this.

Moving toward the stargate, SGC suddenly tells us that there is no time left and we all realize this is it. We are going to have to blow up the hive and we will die. Rodney hands John the device amidst the turmoil. I am standing guard watching for Wraithe but looking back at my team mates, especially John. And I see John glance very briefly over his shoulder toward me. Is he feeling what I am feeling? If this is to be my last moment alive I want nothing more than to be in his arms. I think of Torren and am comforted knowing he is with his father. My regret right now is that I cannot reach out and touch John, feel him one last time. I feel my heart pound and prepare for the inevitable end.

And then again we are torn from deaths arms and soon we are back on Atlantis which is now sitting in the San Francisco Bay. When John finally joins us all as we stand there gazing at the wonderful view, I feel the need to close myself off from him. He stands very close so I pull my arms tighter around myself to keep from reaching out and touching him. Something I desperately want to do. The need that his kisses have awakened in me, are very nearly overwhelming in their intensity!

My heart breaks knowing what I must do. I leave them all knowing I must be alone to sort through all these feelings. All these emotions that are like pinpricks of electricity over my skin! In the course of one day my whole life felt torn asunder. I did not have the luxury of putting things off, of not thinking about what I was going to do now. It was not just my life involved but that of my son and his father. And John! My heart clenched briefly with the pain of it all.

Though my decision would hurt someone I did not regret what had happened with John this morning. And I feel again his mouth on mine, the wet hungry kisses shared before I ran from his room. I was not one to lie to myself and maybe that was the problem. I would have to be honest with myself and think about the last five years of my life. A life with John Sheppard by my side! When I told John this morning that I hoped our path would still be travelled together I meant it sincerely. I truly could not imagine my life without John in it.

From our first meeting and then in the ancient ruins I had felt connected somehow to John. Maybe my young heart had thought that connection would lead to a romantic joining. Yes if I was to be honest then that is exactly what I had soon hoped for. But as I grew to know and understand John more and more I knew in my heart that it would not happen. John was closed off to the possibility for whatever reasons that were his own. And then years passed and loneliness took me on a new journey. One that I had not planned for but never could I wish my son away, for anyone. Not even John.

There was no blame to lie at any one door as we both had subconsciously made the decision to not pursue a relationship. There had been times when I had thought things were going to take a turn toward what my heart yearned for but John had always taken a step back. And I was too proud to make a move he obviously did not want to make himself. And then Kanaan had made for himself a place in my life and I at first reluctantly and then intentionally, put aside my feelings for John. Knowing, only pain would come from holding onto those feelings, I locked them deep into my heart where no-one, not even me, would be able to see them. And it had worked, as well as these things do, until this morning.

When Mr Woolsey told us that John was going to SGC and what he was to do, my heart had understood clearly what was not being said. This was probably a one way trip for John. And all my repressed emotions came flooding out. How many times must I go through this saying goodbye, even if it was only in my heart that I allowed myself these words. Straight away I went to him and trying to keep my feelings in check I said what I felt I could say without breaking down. But at the first touch of his forehead to mine it was impossible to keep the tears at bay. And when he touched his fingers to my wet cheek it was just too much. I turned to run but his heartbreaking utterance was my undoing.

"Teyla" in that voice gave me pause. Turning to him was a grave mistake. No sooner had I turned and seeing the pain etched on his face, what could I do but throw myself into his arms. And those kisses had stormed the citadel, something I heard someone say once and never truly understood until that moment. The walls came down around my heart to let loose all the feelings I had stored up for John Sheppard. But when we stopped to draw breath I bolted from his room. But the damage was done. There was no going back now. This time I would need to make a decision and then either it would be with John by my side or Kanaan. No longer could I have both there.

Of one thing I was certain and it was the only thing that made what I had to do bearable. My son would not suffer because of my choice. No matter what, Kanaan would always be a loving father and involved in raising our son. And I knew that John loved my son as well and would always look out for him. After all it was John's stubbornness and temerity and bravery that had saved both me and Torren from Michael. I knew that both Kanaan and John were good men. The true question was which one had my heart. My woman's heart!

Which one, now that I had an option, did I want to spend the rest of my life with? And maybe just maybe it would not be so difficult after all. I say to myself that now I have options, and this gives me a choice, so this would mean that I only stayed with Kanaan because being with John was not an option before. And even though John has not spoken to me privately about what happened in his quarters, this time I will not back away from this. This, being a relationship, a commitment, to something my heart is now craving very badly. My whole soul wanted what John had offered in that kiss. He had poured out his love as I had, in that one breathtaking embrace.

And being honest with myself I can finally admit that I do not love Kanaan as a woman or wife should love a life partner. He is a dear friend and the father of my son and I will always cherish him as such. But since his return we have gone from lovers to friends. It is a very comfortable position and neither of us have felt the need to address the issue. And knowing Kanaan so long and so well, I know he will not stand in the way of my true happiness. It will hurt both of us to say goodbye as lovers, but we will never I am sure, be anything but friends and parents to our beautiful boy.

The ending of any relationship has its difficulties but we have always been honest with each other. We have both known that we never had what my parents had shared, but the life we had to live because of the Wraithe, made it impossible to wait on perfection. And the insecurity of our lives and loneliness had made us take what had been offered. And we have made the best of it. And I know I would have been content to share my life with Kanaan for its entirety.

But not anymore! Not now that John has made a move. When I know for a certainty that we have opened our hearts to each other and what was there was what I have wanted, needed, for so long. My dreams, ones that I have pushed aside and all but forgotten, have resurfaced and I will not ever again push them away. Now this new and longed for possibility has opened up a bright future. It will not be easy but it will be worth it.

I will go to John after I have spoken to Kanaan. After I settle in my own heart and mind what my course will be. Where my new path will take me and my son! I now know without a doubt that John is the one I want to walk that path with. Wherever it takes us, we will walk it together and this is what matters. We will be together. And when it ends we will be together and ready to step off this precipice and beyond. Whoever leaves this life first will wait for the other and then a new journey will begin. Two separate paths had converged one day long ago and now I can see that onward lay one destiny. And my destiny is John Sheppard.

The end


End file.
